You’ll be the death of me, I swear you will.

He watched her sleep, tossing and turning, saying his name.

He watched her walk around school with her human friends, stealing looks at him every now and then.

He watched the way that the leech, Jacob Black, would stare at her in obvious longing when clearly, Bella Swan belonged to him.

It ached at Edward, a little each day, that she was so fragile, so human, yet longing to leave that life forever. Every kiss tore at his restraint, the scent of her causing visions of killing Bella in various fashions to fill his head until he couldn't think straight. He was the worst sort of predator, because she loved him and put full trust into him.

He finally couldn't stand it any longer after Jasper attacked her. A simple birthday party, and yet every vampire in his family had to leave the room save for Carlisle. For a finger cut. That was when Edward knew that he would leave her.

He'd always known what was best for Bella, anyway.

Once he was gone, though, it was far, far worse. He never changed his clothing -- it ended up quite torn and tattered while he hunted for Victoria to occupy his mind. His hair was disheveled. For someone already dead, he looked like death itself, finally.

Until he was told of Bella's death.

He was going to die, perhaps not to join her in Heaven, but at least death would be preferable to the way he was living at the moment. The Volturri were of no help when he offered himself to them, so Edward decided to walk into the sun. Then, they would have to kill him.

Oh, he wanted to die, but since Carlisle knew of no way to properly kill oneself, Edward was at a loss as to how to die, except to have others do the dirty work for him. Selfish and perhaps slightly cowardly to let another kill you, he thought, but at least he had the courage to die in a world without Bella Swan.

Edward Cullen
The Twilight Saga
341

(Letter written but never given to Bella Swan)

While Rosalie claims she did love another when she was human, Emmett never has. He has been devoted to his wife since she asked Carlisle to change him into a vampire... to save him.

Alice and Jasper are the pair of lovers equally devoted, and I must admit that I have experienced some envy of them -- I think the whole family has, actually.

Carlisle... my father. I cannot imagine how his life was like before he found Esme, my mother. She, like Rosalie, loved another as a human and lost her child, yet she has nothing but love for Carlisle now.

I am alone in my family, though -- I have never loved another, never sought another to complete my existence, until you came along Bella. I love you for all eternity, and if you ever left me in any manner, my own life would end as well. I would like to think we would meet in Heaven, but we both know that not to be true. Still, I am forever yours,

Edward.

(Letter written after Bella was attacked by Jasper)

I have never loved you, Bella. You do not belong in my world. Do not try to find me or my family.

You were a mistake.

Edward Cullen
The Twilight Saga
216

"She accused me of not behaving like a human."

Emmett just looked at me and laughed. Never in my life had I wanted to hit him more than I did in that moment. "You're not human. Didn't Bella get that?"

I frowned and looked back at the composition I was writing. "It was a joke, I suppose. Although I really don't see the point of it considering that the entire family has been nearly begging me to act more human, to love someone, and now that I finally do..." I didn't finish my thoughts.

"Yeah, now that you finally do, she sees that you act like an idiot, just like everyone else."

I sulked, as Rosalie would have phrased it. Pouted, as Alice would have. "I would like to think that next to Carlisle, I am the most composed of the family, and that I have retained my dignity throughout the years..."

My brother interrupted me.

( Read more... )

Edward Cullen
The Twilight Saga
382

It was the worst sort of lie I could have told her, and yet I did so without any pause.

I was, and still am, the monster that Bella thinks I am not. God has damned my family and me for the crimes we have committed; as vampires we cannot have souls. How could we when all we truly crave is the blood of a human, and every day we have to fight off that instinct?

I told Bella to stay away from me because I would not be a good friend for her, and that much is the truth. I never once told her that I didn't care for her or didn't love her; no, that was a lie I chose to keep for later when I would hurt her more so that I could save her.

I told her to stay away, and she wouldn't. I told her I didn't love her, and she believed me in an instant.

How the one human girl in all the world who looked upon me and saw something other than a monster could believe me is something I still to this day do not understand. I tried to keep myself busy while I was apart from her, tracking down Victoria and failing miserably. I read books, I spent as little time with my family as possible... I tried to move on with my own life as I had forced Bella to do -- all for a lie.

I have lost count now of how many times I have told Bella Swan to stay away from me. If I had been able to read her mind at all, I would have known the truth of her feelings toward me. I could have prevented heartbreak for us both, and I most certainly could have prevented the dogs in Forks from ever becoming friends with her.

Instead, I chose the coward's path, and for that, I am forever sorry.

Edward Cullen
The Twilight Saga
325

This LJ is on a short hiatus until RL calms down a bit for the mun. Thank you for understanding.

You are the best of us all. I strive to be you in every possible way, yet I know I never will be as good a person as you.

I do hope that on today of all days, you understand how truly important you are to our family.

- Edward

Bella looked over the cliff.

Jacob had promised to take her cliff-diving, but he wasn't around. She didn't know that she'd lost her mind when she'd lost Edward. She wasn't suicidal, either... she was simply lost, confused, and desperate to hear his voice.

She took a step closer to the edge.

"Bella, that is quite enough."

The voice. The voice in her head. His voice, even if he didn't love her, even if he was gone forever, it could still be there. Put herself in harm's way, and the voice would return to yell at her.

"Bella. Stop this nonsense. This isn't some child's game to play to simply make me appear."

She spun around and he was there, there, and that was when she knew she'd lost her mind. "Edward...?"

"Why would you stoop to this?" The Edward-ghost stepped closer to her, and she could almost touch him if he was real. "I had always thought you to be smarter, but this is quite idiotic."

Didn't he understand? She needed him.

"You don't need me, Bella," he answered her, as if he could read her mind when she knew he couldn't. As if he was physically there, when he couldn't possibly be!

Another step closer of the ghost-Edward, shimmering not like a diamond in the sunlight, but like a faded image. A memory that was slipping away somehow, flickering in and out of her mind. "I'll not have it," he warned her, his voice angry and cold. He needed her, too, only Edward was gone, forbidding himself the touch of the human girl that he longed to have in more ways than one. It was safer, he had told himself, because he knew what was best for her. She was his. She would do as he told her to do and then everything would be better for her.

"I love you," she whispered to him before she stepped back to the cliff, ready to jump.

"I'll not forgive you if you do this, Bella. The motorcycles? Purposely walking into an area where men would attack you? You cannot understand how angry I've been with you for your foolishness. Stop this, right now. It's dangerous, and you cannot take care of yourself."

She jumped. And heard the angry scream of Edward all the way down, a sound that wasn't human at all.

Edward Cullen
The Twilight Saga
392
OOC Note: The idea for this prompt is based off some of the changes that will take place in the movie New Moon.

"Edward, you've got to stop doing this."

He looked up at his brother and raised one eyebrow. "Stop doing what, Emmett?"

There was a sigh as Emmett licked the rest of the blood off his lips and glanced behind him at the dead grizzly. "You've got to stop blaming yourself for that girl. Whatshername."

"Bella Swan."

"Yeah, yeah." Emmett perched up on a rock next to Edward, who was standing immobile. It had been Emmett's idea to take Edward hunting, figuring that another round of attack-the-cougars couldn't hurt any, especially since Edward was back into his broody-mode. It seriously made Emmett consider talking to Rose, just to see if maybe she'd consider breaking down a few walls with some nice, loud sex. That way, Edward would have to stop being so noble and just give in. Either change the girl into a vampire, or kill her like he wanted.

Edward sighed. "I know what you're thinking, Emmett, and it won't work." His hands slid into his coat pockets as he turned to face his brother. "I don't want to kill her anymore, either."

That got Emmett's attention. "Okay... so change her, then. Edward, we talked about this."

"Yes, and I'll tell you the same thing I told you before. No. It's the same thing I told her, as well." He pushed off the rock and looked down at the dead cougar by his feet. "I'll not make her into a monster, the same as me."

"But you can't stay away from her, either," Emmett pointed out, wondering why Edward was suddenly so fascinated with his food.

Edward stroked the dead animal's fur softly. "No. I can't."

"Look, if she wants this, then don't you think she gets a say? What if she wants to be a vampire? Big deal, you make her one. Carlisle and Esme would be happy if you found someone. Hell, I'd be happy if you found someone, the way Rose found me." It was all pretty simple in Emmett's mind, at least.

"You want me to change her into a monster, this girl I've come to love, and not blame myself for it?"

Emmett shifted a little bit. "Well... yeah."

"I'll get back to you on that." And with that, Edward took off running. Emmett never caught up to him.

Edward Cullen
The Twilight Saga
384

Bella, you really shouldn't have done that, but I do appreciate the thoughtfulness of the gift.

And, of course, I love you.

(Crossposted to other muses...)

Who will you be if your addictive shortcomings are removed?

"Edward."

I looked down at Bella, asleep and talking again. It was like this every night. I would follow her home while she wasn't aware of it and then slip undetected into her bedroom, sit on the chair and watch as she tossed and turned.

My name on her lips was like heaven and hell at once, both condemning me yet giving me hope that Bella perhaps, could love a monster like me.

Once she became aware of my presence, she asked for more, though, and I would lie on her bed, holding her in my arms as she slept while I remained awake, ever watching.

Mine. She was mine, I had decided by that point. How utterly selfish of me to think so, and yet I was not about to tear myself away from her. I would sing Bella's lullaby to her whenever she asked -- and sometimes when she didn't. In my arms, the warmth of her blood and body was easier to bear than her scent, the one that always called me forth and brought murderous thoughts to my mind.

How can one want to both kill and love the same creature?

I would ask the Almighty for help, but how can there be hope if vampires have no eternal soul?

I am damned to love and destroy her, this creature that is mine and no one else's, this girl who loves me so unselfishly and should not. She should run from me and instead she clings tightly to me, causing me to rethink my entire world.

"Edward."

I stroked her hair as she spoke my name once again and wished for the thousandth time that I was human. To be human for her, for then I would not be able to harm her in any way. Of course, what sort of man would I be if I was human? I'm not the best or noblest of vampires, despite what Bella thinks of me.

( Read more... )

Edward Cullen
The Twilight Saga
457

How can I decide what’s right
When you’re clouding up my mind?
I can’t win
Your losing fight
All the time



Edward? So, what's up with the new girl?

What could I tell Emmett? There was nothing there. Her mind was a blank canvas to me, waiting for the right paints to come along. It was so incredibly frustrating. I thought, at first, that perhaps there was something wrong with me until her scent hit me and I knew she had been sent from some personal demon to torment me. I had to leave. Emmett didn't understand at first, but once he went hunting with me, I did my best to explain.

"So, you want to kill her?"

"Yes, very much so."

"Carlisle won't like it, but we all lapse every now and then."

I shot him a look and said nothing. He decided to speak to me through thoughts once he understood the pain I was in.

Okay, sorry, no killing. We can't leave town. Why don't you change her?

I moved my head imperceptibly, but enough that my brother would pick up on it.

Why not?

"Because I have these... human feelings that I cannot understand, that I thought were long dead and I have to save her. She's so fragile, so terribly breakable..."

So, change her, like I said.

"And condemn her to our life? Make her a monster? She's got a father who loves her and happens to be the local law enforcement, Emmett." I sighed as I watched my brother finish off the last of his bear. My own stomach was so full, I knew my thirst was quenched. The question remained, though -- would it be enough to return to school and to Bella Swan?

"I can't read her mind. I won't change her. I can't be human for her -- what do I have to offer her when God Himself has forsaken us?"

"Carlisle doesn't think that," Emmett pointed out as he sat on the rock next to me.

"No. He doesn't." Which didn't exactly make it right or true. I let my head rest against my hands, covering my face as if that would somehow wash away the memory of her scent filling my mind with murderous thoughts. "I don't know what to do."

"Go back to school, test out how the hunting trip worked. We'll all be there, Edward. You'll be fine."

I laughed, but there was no humor in the sound. "Yes, of course you're right. Let's go home."

Edward Cullen
The Twilight Saga
Word Count: 398 (not including lyrics)

If you were faced with Him
In all His glory
What would you ask if you had just one question?

I would ask why.

Isn't that really the most important question of them all? Not how was the world created, not the purpose of life, no... those are all things that mortals and monsters alike can decide for themselves. I would wish to know why must I be like this? If God loves all of His creatures equally, then why did He create vampires?

Would the answer be that He did not? Impossible, for the almighty created everything. This I believe with complete certainty. My many years have allowed me studies and yes, Darwinism is part of my belief system, but I am a man who believes in God.

I'd like to think I was always like that, before Carlisle, but I know this not to be true. Carlisle Cullen has to be the most compassionate man I've known, and he is convinced that we will make it to Heaven. That God, in His Love and Wisdom, will somehow forgive us of our sins. This is where I disagree with my father, though.

You see, if I were to agree with him and believe that I was not damned, then my question to God would be, "Why would you bother to create such monsters like myself?" If I turned it around, though, and used my own beliefs, my question would be "Why would you allow monsters into Heaven?" Either way, the question remains inherently the same -- why.

Evil should not be allowed to see the Face of God. Evil should not be pardoned so easily. I might be a man who has lived a long life and now feeds off the blood of only animals, but I am still one who has killed humans in the past. Have I truly suffered enough for my crimes? Have I paid the price? I consoled myself with the fact that only murderers or rapists were killed by my hand once, but how can I sit and pass judgment on the worth of their lives? Only God can.

So tell me, then.

Why?

Edward Cullen
The Twilight Saga
340

Choose one person to admit the exact nature of your wrongs to. Who is this person and why did you choose him or her?

"Carlisle, I need to speak to you."

Carlisle Cullen looked up from his paperwork on the large desk in his study and fixed his eyes on his son. Even without the ability to read his mind, he could always read him the best out of anyone in the family. "Of course. Sit down, Edward."

Edward shook his head, an imperceptible motion for most humans but one that a vampire would notice. "It's Bella Swan." He knew this was all he truly needed to say to his father, but somehow, he felt the need to explain it nonetheless. "I've... followed her. Watched her. It's driving me mad. She's so fragile, so completely human, so mortal..." The last word was said as though it was nearly an insult when, in fact, it was simply the fact that Bella was far more prone to disaster than most humans. Edward felt a constant need to watch over her and protect her from the world. "I know we had the family meeting, and I understand that almost everyone welcomed her into our lives, but..." Rosalie wasn't mentioned by name, naturally, as the dissenting voice. She didn't need to be.

Carlisle clasped his hands and smiled at Edward. "You've done nothing wrong, Edward; certainly nothing that I disagree with. After Bella was attacked in Port Angeles..."

( She was his and his alone... )

Edward Cullen
The Twilight Saga
557

I was so lost, didn't know what to do with myself,
I was my own worst enemy, I was lost and oh I needed help,
Then you came along, and saw what state I was in,
You picked me up, when I was down,
Showed me how to live again.

I knew what was best for us both.

Bella needed a normal life; one that included children, college, a family, and being alive. I could not provide any of those things for her, certainly not after Jasper's attack on her. Her blood spilled and my entire family was quite ready to quench the thirst that had sprung up, save for myself and Carlisle.

We all left, no traces behind of our existence, yet as ever, Bella was a drug that I could not live without despite my very best of intentions. Once I had been told that she had killed herself, there was no further point in living.

I planned my death easily, but was thwarted by Bella.

The entire plane ride back from Italy, I held her, wondering what thoughts crossed her mind (as always), and silently thanked her for saving me yet again. How many times would she save my life? Countless, it seemed, for although I could save her from danger, she saved me from loneliness. Years had gone by, and I had always been quite content to live my life alone while my family paired off, happy to have found their soul mate.

Bella, however, was not content with that at all. She pressed me for the truth, confounded me for she was the opposite of every human I had encountered. She was fearless, selfless, and filled with an older soul in a young body. She was intoxicating. While yes, it was true that her blood was what first drew me to her, that was not what kept me there. She pulled human emotions from me that I had thought were long-dead, ones that I did not recognize at first.

Bella Swan became my savior.

( Read more... )

Edward Cullen
The Twilight Saga
Word Count: 450 (not including lyrics)

Mun has finally finished reading Breaking Dawn, but any spoilers for prompts will still be marked for at least a month, just in case.

Thanks!

To everyone Edward plays and interacts with: I, the mun, have not yet read Breaking Dawn and will not be getting to read it for a while, so I would very much appreciate it if you would please PLEASE not spoil me on the story. Thank you.