You’ll be the death of me, I swear you will.

The mun is busy, so a meme!

2009-11-04T16:18:56Z

141 - "I think I have courage to die, but not to die thus in small sick ways."

2009-10-22T19:48:54Z

He watched her sleep, tossing and turning, saying his name.

He watched her walk around school with her human friends, stealing looks at him every now and then.

He watched the way that the leech, Jacob Black, would stare at her in obvious longing when clearly, Bella Swan belonged to him.

It ached at Edward, a little each day, that she was so fragile, so human, yet longing to leave that life forever. Every kiss tore at his restraint, the scent of her causing visions of killing Bella in various fashions to fill his head until he couldn't think straight. He was the worst sort of predator, because she loved him and put full trust into him.

He finally couldn't stand it any longer after Jasper attacked her. A simple birthday party, and yet every vampire in his family had to leave the room save for Carlisle. For a finger cut. That was when Edward knew that he would leave her.

He'd always known what was best for Bella, anyway.

Once he was gone, though, it was far, far worse. He never changed his clothing -- it ended up quite torn and tattered while he hunted for Victoria to occupy his mind. His hair was disheveled. For someone already dead, he looked like death itself, finally.

Until he was told of Bella's death.

He was going to die, perhaps not to join her in Heaven, but at least death would be preferable to the way he was living at the moment. The Volturri were of no help when he offered himself to them, so Edward decided to walk into the sun. Then, they would have to kill him.

Oh, he wanted to die, but since Carlisle knew of no way to properly kill oneself, Edward was at a loss as to how to die, except to have others do the dirty work for him. Selfish and perhaps slightly cowardly to let another kill you, he thought, but at least he had the courage to die in a world without Bella Swan.

Edward Cullen
The Twilight Saga
341

135 - "I loved you, I've never loved anyone else. I never shall, that's the truth."

2009-09-28T19:38:36Z

(Letter written but never given to Bella Swan)

While Rosalie claims she did love another when she was human, Emmett never has. He has been devoted to his wife since she asked Carlisle to change him into a vampire... to save him.

Alice and Jasper are the pair of lovers equally devoted, and I must admit that I have experienced some envy of them -- I think the whole family has, actually.

Carlisle... my father. I cannot imagine how his life was like before he found Esme, my mother. She, like Rosalie, loved another as a human and lost her child, yet she has nothing but love for Carlisle now.

I am alone in my family, though -- I have never loved another, never sought another to complete my existence, until you came along Bella. I love you for all eternity, and if you ever left me in any manner, my own life would end as well. I would like to think we would meet in Heaven, but we both know that not to be true. Still, I am forever yours,

Edward.

(Letter written after Bella was attacked by Jasper)

I have never loved you, Bella. You do not belong in my world. Do not try to find me or my family.

You were a mistake.

Edward Cullen
The Twilight Saga
216

131 - "Dignity. Always, dignity." (August prompt)

2009-08-24T20:42:48Z

"She accused me of not behaving like a human."

Emmett just looked at me and laughed. Never in my life had I wanted to hit him more than I did in that moment. "You're not human. Didn't Bella get that?"

I frowned and looked back at the composition I was writing. "It was a joke, I suppose. Although I really don't see the point of it considering that the entire family has been nearly begging me to act more human, to love someone, and now that I finally do..." I didn't finish my thoughts.

"Yeah, now that you finally do, she sees that you act like an idiot, just like everyone else."

I sulked, as Rosalie would have phrased it. Pouted, as Alice would have. "I would like to think that next to Carlisle, I am the most composed of the family, and that I have retained my dignity throughout the years..."

My brother interrupted me.

"Yeah, but Edward? You suck at it. No, really, you do. You pretend to mope or brood or whatever it is that you do while the rest of us are off having fun, and then you're the one to say you want to go play baseball. With your human girlfriend. And knock into me trying to catch a ball."

I did my best not to respond to that.

"You try to be the 'strong' one for Bella, but you hop over her truck, you wear sunglasses to school all of a sudden, you drive her around and you smile." He pointed a finger at me. "Dead giveaway, no pun intended."

"So, what is your advice?" As if I really wished it.

Emmett shrugged. "Forget dignity and just have fun. It's the one thing that's kept my marriage to Rose going all these years." He waggled his eyebrows and I did my best not to respond. After all, he and Rosalie were notorious for destroying beds and houses with their sexual escapades.

"Hey, you wanted my advice." Emmett clapped me on my back and left my bedroom. A sudden urge to jump out the window and find Bella, perhaps to take her on a run through the forest or to think up new, inventive ways to kill Mike Newton filled my mind.

I smiled and jumped outside.

Edward Cullen
The Twilight Saga
382

127 - "I didn't say I didn't love you. I said, 'Stay away from me.'" (July Prompt)

2009-07-09T15:36:37Z

It was the worst sort of lie I could have told her, and yet I did so without any pause.

I was, and still am, the monster that Bella thinks I am not. God has damned my family and me for the crimes we have committed; as vampires we cannot have souls. How could we when all we truly crave is the blood of a human, and every day we have to fight off that instinct?

I told Bella to stay away from me because I would not be a good friend for her, and that much is the truth. I never once told her that I didn't care for her or didn't love her; no, that was a lie I chose to keep for later when I would hurt her more so that I could save her.

I told her to stay away, and she wouldn't. I told her I didn't love her, and she believed me in an instant.

How the one human girl in all the world who looked upon me and saw something other than a monster could believe me is something I still to this day do not understand. I tried to keep myself busy while I was apart from her, tracking down Victoria and failing miserably. I read books, I spent as little time with my family as possible... I tried to move on with my own life as I had forced Bella to do -- all for a lie.

I have lost count now of how many times I have told Bella Swan to stay away from me. If I had been able to read her mind at all, I would have known the truth of her feelings toward me. I could have prevented heartbreak for us both, and I most certainly could have prevented the dogs in Forks from ever becoming friends with her.

Instead, I chose the coward's path, and for that, I am forever sorry.

Edward Cullen
The Twilight Saga
325

OOC - Hiatus

2009-06-24T23:43:14Z

This LJ is on a short hiatus until RL calms down a bit for the mun. Thank you for understanding.

Carlisle...

2009-06-21T17:58:00Z

You are the best of us all. I strive to be you in every possible way, yet I know I never will be as good a person as you.

I do hope that on today of all days, you understand how truly important you are to our family.

- Edward

120 - "It's a dangerous game, my dear." (May Prompt)

2009-05-24T20:11:03Z

Bella looked over the cliff.

Jacob had promised to take her cliff-diving, but he wasn't around. She didn't know that she'd lost her mind when she'd lost Edward. She wasn't suicidal, either... she was simply lost, confused, and desperate to hear his voice.

She took a step closer to the edge.

"Bella, that is quite enough."

The voice. The voice in her head. His voice, even if he didn't love her, even if he was gone forever, it could still be there. Put herself in harm's way, and the voice would return to yell at her.

"Bella. Stop this nonsense. This isn't some child's game to play to simply make me appear."

She spun around and he was there, there, and that was when she knew she'd lost her mind. "Edward...?"

"Why would you stoop to this?" The Edward-ghost stepped closer to her, and she could almost touch him if he was real. "I had always thought you to be smarter, but this is quite idiotic."

Didn't he understand? She needed him.

"You don't need me, Bella," he answered her, as if he could read her mind when she knew he couldn't. As if he was physically there, when he couldn't possibly be!

Another step closer of the ghost-Edward, shimmering not like a diamond in the sunlight, but like a faded image. A memory that was slipping away somehow, flickering in and out of her mind. "I'll not have it," he warned her, his voice angry and cold. He needed her, too, only Edward was gone, forbidding himself the touch of the human girl that he longed to have in more ways than one. It was safer, he had told himself, because he knew what was best for her. She was his. She would do as he told her to do and then everything would be better for her.

"I love you," she whispered to him before she stepped back to the cliff, ready to jump.

"I'll not forgive you if you do this, Bella. The motorcycles? Purposely walking into an area where men would attack you? You cannot understand how angry I've been with you for your foolishness. Stop this, right now. It's dangerous, and you cannot take care of yourself."

She jumped. And heard the angry scream of Edward all the way down, a sound that wasn't human at all.

Edward Cullen
The Twilight Saga
392
OOC Note: The idea for this prompt is based off some of the changes that will take place in the movie New Moon.

aamuses No blaming.

2009-05-12T22:18:13Z

"Edward, you've got to stop doing this."

He looked up at his brother and raised one eyebrow. "Stop doing what, Emmett?"

There was a sigh as Emmett licked the rest of the blood off his lips and glanced behind him at the dead grizzly. "You've got to stop blaming yourself for that girl. Whatshername."

"Bella Swan."

"Yeah, yeah." Emmett perched up on a rock next to Edward, who was standing immobile. It had been Emmett's idea to take Edward hunting, figuring that another round of attack-the-cougars couldn't hurt any, especially since Edward was back into his broody-mode. It seriously made Emmett consider talking to Rose, just to see if maybe she'd consider breaking down a few walls with some nice, loud sex. That way, Edward would have to stop being so noble and just give in. Either change the girl into a vampire, or kill her like he wanted.

Edward sighed. "I know what you're thinking, Emmett, and it won't work." His hands slid into his coat pockets as he turned to face his brother. "I don't want to kill her anymore, either."

That got Emmett's attention. "Okay... so change her, then. Edward, we talked about this."

"Yes, and I'll tell you the same thing I told you before. No. It's the same thing I told her, as well." He pushed off the rock and looked down at the dead cougar by his feet. "I'll not make her into a monster, the same as me."

"But you can't stay away from her, either," Emmett pointed out, wondering why Edward was suddenly so fascinated with his food.

Edward stroked the dead animal's fur softly. "No. I can't."

"Look, if she wants this, then don't you think she gets a say? What if she wants to be a vampire? Big deal, you make her one. Carlisle and Esme would be happy if you found someone. Hell, I'd be happy if you found someone, the way Rose found me." It was all pretty simple in Emmett's mind, at least.

"You want me to change her into a monster, this girl I've come to love, and not blame myself for it?"

Emmett shifted a little bit. "Well... yeah."

"I'll get back to you on that." And with that, Edward took off running. Emmett never caught up to him.

Edward Cullen
The Twilight Saga
384

Thank you, swan_singer.

2009-04-12T18:15:41Z

Bella, you really shouldn't have done that, but I do appreciate the thoughtfulness of the gift.

And, of course, I love you.

OOC - RP Love Meme

2009-02-19T16:25:13Z

(Crossposted to other muses...)

RP LOVE MEME

Step Seven - Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

2009-02-04T20:27:14Z

Who will you be if your addictive shortcomings are removed?

"Edward."

I looked down at Bella, asleep and talking again. It was like this every night. I would follow her home while she wasn't aware of it and then slip undetected into her bedroom, sit on the chair and watch as she tossed and turned.

My name on her lips was like heaven and hell at once, both condemning me yet giving me hope that Bella perhaps, could love a monster like me.

Once she became aware of my presence, she asked for more, though, and I would lie on her bed, holding her in my arms as she slept while I remained awake, ever watching.

Mine. She was mine, I had decided by that point. How utterly selfish of me to think so, and yet I was not about to tear myself away from her. I would sing Bella's lullaby to her whenever she asked -- and sometimes when she didn't. In my arms, the warmth of her blood and body was easier to bear than her scent, the one that always called me forth and brought murderous thoughts to my mind.

How can one want to both kill and love the same creature?

I would ask the Almighty for help, but how can there be hope if vampires have no eternal soul?

I am damned to love and destroy her, this creature that is mine and no one else's, this girl who loves me so unselfishly and should not. She should run from me and instead she clings tightly to me, causing me to rethink my entire world.

"Edward."

I stroked her hair as she spoke my name once again and wished for the thousandth time that I was human. To be human for her, for then I would not be able to harm her in any way. Of course, what sort of man would I be if I was human? I'm not the best or noblest of vampires, despite what Bella thinks of me.

If I was human, I wouldn't be able to protect her from herself, either, or from anything else that would hurt her.

If I was not selfish, then I might not wish to protect her so badly or keep her as mine and mine alone.

"Edward...?"

"Shh, love. I'm here. I'll always be here," I whispered to her as she turned in my arms once more and I decided then and there that I was the worst liar in all the world. I would not be there if she did not wish it or if it would hurt her. Perhaps... perhaps I was learning to lose my possessiveness after all.

"I love you, Edward..."

I smiled at that and said nothing.

Perhaps I was only a liar to myself, then.

Edward Cullen
The Twilight Saga
457

Decode

2008-12-23T21:49:25Z

How can I decide what’s right
When you’re clouding up my mind?
I can’t win
Your losing fight
All the time

Edward? So, what's up with the new girl?

What could I tell Emmett? There was nothing there. Her mind was a blank canvas to me, waiting for the right paints to come along. It was so incredibly frustrating. I thought, at first, that perhaps there was something wrong with me until her scent hit me and I knew she had been sent from some personal demon to torment me. I had to leave. Emmett didn't understand at first, but once he went hunting with me, I did my best to explain.

"So, you want to kill her?"

"Yes, very much so."

"Carlisle won't like it, but we all lapse every now and then."

I shot him a look and said nothing. He decided to speak to me through thoughts once he understood the pain I was in.

Okay, sorry, no killing. We can't leave town. Why don't you change her?

I moved my head imperceptibly, but enough that my brother would pick up on it.

Why not?

"Because I have these... human feelings that I cannot understand, that I thought were long dead and I have to save her. She's so fragile, so terribly breakable..."

So, change her, like I said.

"And condemn her to our life? Make her a monster? She's got a father who loves her and happens to be the local law enforcement, Emmett." I sighed as I watched my brother finish off the last of his bear. My own stomach was so full, I knew my thirst was quenched. The question remained, though -- would it be enough to return to school and to Bella Swan?

"I can't read her mind. I won't change her. I can't be human for her -- what do I have to offer her when God Himself has forsaken us?"

"Carlisle doesn't think that," Emmett pointed out as he sat on the rock next to me.

"No. He doesn't." Which didn't exactly make it right or true. I let my head rest against my hands, covering my face as if that would somehow wash away the memory of her scent filling my mind with murderous thoughts. "I don't know what to do."

"Go back to school, test out how the hunting trip worked. We'll all be there, Edward. You'll be fine."

I laughed, but there was no humor in the sound. "Yes, of course you're right. Let's go home."

Edward Cullen
The Twilight Saga
Word Count: 398 (not including lyrics)

Step Six - Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

2008-12-09T07:27:36Z

If you were faced with Him
In all His glory
What would you ask if you had just one question?

I would ask why.

Isn't that really the most important question of them all? Not how was the world created, not the purpose of life, no... those are all things that mortals and monsters alike can decide for themselves. I would wish to know why must I be like this? If God loves all of His creatures equally, then why did He create vampires?

Would the answer be that He did not? Impossible, for the almighty created everything. This I believe with complete certainty. My many years have allowed me studies and yes, Darwinism is part of my belief system, but I am a man who believes in God.

I'd like to think I was always like that, before Carlisle, but I know this not to be true. Carlisle Cullen has to be the most compassionate man I've known, and he is convinced that we will make it to Heaven. That God, in His Love and Wisdom, will somehow forgive us of our sins. This is where I disagree with my father, though.

You see, if I were to agree with him and believe that I was not damned, then my question to God would be, "Why would you bother to create such monsters like myself?" If I turned it around, though, and used my own beliefs, my question would be "Why would you allow monsters into Heaven?" Either way, the question remains inherently the same -- why.

Evil should not be allowed to see the Face of God. Evil should not be pardoned so easily. I might be a man who has lived a long life and now feeds off the blood of only animals, but I am still one who has killed humans in the past. Have I truly suffered enough for my crimes? Have I paid the price? I consoled myself with the fact that only murderers or rapists were killed by my hand once, but how can I sit and pass judgment on the worth of their lives? Only God can.

So tell me, then.

Why?

Edward Cullen
The Twilight Saga
340

Step Five - Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

2008-11-11T19:00:06Z

Choose one person to admit the exact nature of your wrongs to. Who is this person and why did you choose him or her?

"Carlisle, I need to speak to you."

Carlisle Cullen looked up from his paperwork on the large desk in his study and fixed his eyes on his son. Even without the ability to read his mind, he could always read him the best out of anyone in the family. "Of course. Sit down, Edward."

Edward shook his head, an imperceptible motion for most humans but one that a vampire would notice. "It's Bella Swan." He knew this was all he truly needed to say to his father, but somehow, he felt the need to explain it nonetheless. "I've... followed her. Watched her. It's driving me mad. She's so fragile, so completely human, so mortal..." The last word was said as though it was nearly an insult when, in fact, it was simply the fact that Bella was far more prone to disaster than most humans. Edward felt a constant need to watch over her and protect her from the world. "I know we had the family meeting, and I understand that almost everyone welcomed her into our lives, but..." Rosalie wasn't mentioned by name, naturally, as the dissenting voice. She didn't need to be.

Carlisle clasped his hands and smiled at Edward. "You've done nothing wrong, Edward; certainly nothing that I disagree with. After Bella was attacked in Port Angeles..."

He nodded his head at Carlisle and said nothing more. Nothing needed to be said on that matter -- Carlisle had managed to drug the serial rapist that was threatening Bella and take him over the state line where the local police arrested him, so that he would never harm another again. It had not been Edward's choice of vengeance, naturally. He wanted to rip the man apart and leave him broken, bloody, and dead for all the things he'd read in the man's mind regarding his supposed "plans" for Bella. It was disgusting. Still, it saved Edward from committing an act unforgivable in his father's eyes for the love he bore Bella.

"Carlisle, I love her."

His father rose and placed a hand around Edward's shoulder with a knowing smile. "Are you asking for acceptance? Permission? Edward, love is not simple. I'm glad you were able to discover it after all these years."

He shook his head, not sure if he deserved his father's love. "I'm ready to murder people for her. I was ready to kill her when I first found her. I want nothing more than to watch her sleep and listen in on her private thoughts as she talks in the middle of the night. I want to make certain that Mike Newton never has another thought about her. I want--"

"Shh, Edward." Carlisle squeezed his son's shoulder gently. "That's called love."

Was it? Edward felt as though there was another name to call it -- obsession. Possession. But he didn't speak his thoughts aloud to Carlisle, not while he was doing his best to comfort him.

"It will work out. Alice has seen it, remember?"

Edward nodded and moved away, remembering that Alice had seen Bella being changed into a vampire. It was not the future he wanted for her. "Yes. Yes, you're right, of course," was all he said before leaving Carlisle's study to run to Bella's bedroom and sing her lullaby to her, claiming her for himself once more.

Edward Cullen
The Twilight Saga
557

Precious Love

2008-10-23T16:55:29Z

I was so lost, didn't know what to do with myself,
I was my own worst enemy, I was lost and oh I needed help,
Then you came along, and saw what state I was in,
You picked me up, when I was down,
Showed me how to live again.

I knew what was best for us both.

Bella needed a normal life; one that included children, college, a family, and being alive. I could not provide any of those things for her, certainly not after Jasper's attack on her. Her blood spilled and my entire family was quite ready to quench the thirst that had sprung up, save for myself and Carlisle.

We all left, no traces behind of our existence, yet as ever, Bella was a drug that I could not live without despite my very best of intentions. Once I had been told that she had killed herself, there was no further point in living.

I planned my death easily, but was thwarted by Bella.

The entire plane ride back from Italy, I held her, wondering what thoughts crossed her mind (as always), and silently thanked her for saving me yet again. How many times would she save my life? Countless, it seemed, for although I could save her from danger, she saved me from loneliness. Years had gone by, and I had always been quite content to live my life alone while my family paired off, happy to have found their soul mate.

Bella, however, was not content with that at all. She pressed me for the truth, confounded me for she was the opposite of every human I had encountered. She was fearless, selfless, and filled with an older soul in a young body. She was intoxicating. While yes, it was true that her blood was what first drew me to her, that was not what kept me there. She pulled human emotions from me that I had thought were long-dead, ones that I did not recognize at first.

Bella Swan became my savior.

I remember Esme's happiness once I began composing again, thanks to Bella. Alice, obviously, understood -- the one who surprised me the most was Emmett, who spoke to me at length when we went hunting and could feel the pain and happiness that this girl caused me.

Bella brought my family together again and completed not only me, but the entire Cullen clan.

I had always dreamt of marrying her, but I never truly dared hope it would happen. I had cursed the thing within my wife that was slowly killing her, then heard its' love for Bella before my daughter was even born. Bella did not die, as I had feared, but became a mother to my daughter and somehow granted me hope for the future.

She constantly claims that I am her savior, but that is not the case. I died years ago, and it wasn't until that moment in Biology class that I truly began to live again.

Edward Cullen
The Twilight Saga
Word Count: 450 (not including lyrics)

Step Four - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

2008-10-06T22:23:16Z

What does it mean to you to be a ‘moral’ person?

I believe that the most moral person I know of is not a person at all. Carlisle Cullen, my father, is a vampire and yet he has more humanity within him than most mortals ever will. I strive to be like him, but his control is absolutely amazing. How can I possibly be as perfect as he is? He can work within a hospital, surrounded by the temptation of human blood every day, and he is fine. Years of self-restraint has taught him that.

I am not moral.

Since the first moment that I saw Bella Swan, I knew I had to murder her. Her scent was far too great for me to deny the monster within, and so I plotted hundreds of ways for her to die. Slowly, an emotion that I did not recognize overtook me – human jealousy. Mike Newton’s pathetic fawning irritated me so that I also planned his murder. It was odd, how one simple human girl could bring this out of me. I had thought myself a monster as a vampire, but then to actually experience this made me realize that the monster within me wishing death upon others was not there because I was a creature made of hardened, cold skin. It was there because of the love that I felt for her.

[Locked from Bella]

She never knew, never found out that I had my father “take care of” the human serial rapist who had attempted to attack her because I was thoroughly tempted to kill him myself. Carlisle’s way of injecting the man (if you can call him that) with a sedative and then turning him over to the police allowed a small sense of justice, and the knowledge that he would never harm another woman again. It was not my first choice, though, as I said.

I wanted him dead. And God help me, despite the love that I feel and the humanity that Bella has brought out of me, part of me still wants that.

Edward Cullen
The Twilight Saga
332

Step Three - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God.

2008-08-18T17:20:56Z

Boundaries are necessary for recovery. Discuss what boundaries you need.

I had thought once that I would require boundaries in my relationship with Bella. Now, I do not require it. How wonderful, how simple that it was decided for me and I did not have to make that choice!

But once, before Bella was changed, I knew what needed to be done. She pushed at me, tore at my insides until I could not resist and I was willing to give her anything and everything she desired, including the idiotic idea that I would make love to her while she was still human. As if I wasn't already frightened enough of hurting her before!

I doubt that anyone can understand the complete and utter control required for this. She was so breakable, so fragile. She was merely human, and so I had to control the strength and passion of my kisses, my touches, everything. I could not bear it if I hurt her, and once she pressed me after the wedding, what could I do? I was her husband and we had struck a deal. Her clothes vanished and I did my best to not hurt her, but the evidence was there in the morning. Bruises covered her entire body because I had been foolish enough to think that I could control my own urges when I should have known better.

Whenever it comes to Bella, it seems I cannot control anything.

I told her then that I would never touch her that way again. Not while she remained human. I knew better than she did what was the best thing for her – for both of us, whether she liked it or not. I simply hated my baser nature that wanted nothing more than to take her in my arms and kiss her, touch her bruises, and hurt her once again for my own selfish needs.

At that time, I should have walked away. I should have left her alone forever.

My decision was taken from me, though, happily. I'll never have to worry about hurting her again, or even controlling myself again.

There are no longer needs for boundaries.

Edward Cullen
The Twilight Saga
355

OOC

2008-08-17T00:13:45Z

Mun has finally finished reading Breaking Dawn, but any spoilers for prompts will still be marked for at least a month, just in case.

Thanks!

[OOC] Request from the Mun

2008-08-04T17:15:47Z

To everyone Edward plays and interacts with: I, the mun, have not yet read Breaking Dawn and will not be getting to read it for a while, so I would very much appreciate it if you would please PLEASE not spoil me on the story. Thank you.

Ten perfect moments

2008-07-22T23:12:17Z

1. The first night I crept into Bella's bedroom to watch her sleep.
2. The flight home from Italy, holding Bella as I realized she was alive and I could never part with her again.
3. The day in the meadow when I showed her the truth.
4. Bringing Bella home to meet my family.
5. The first time I tasted her lips and heard the quickening of her heartbeat.
~~6. When Jacob Black overheard my conversation with Bella about our wedding.~~
7. Killing Victoria for trying to hurt Bella and watching her skin burn until the smoke filled the sky.
8. Holding Bella in my arms in Italy when I thought I had died and gone to Heaven, literally.
9. Writing Bella's lullaby and making the CD of it for her to listen to whenever I was apart from her.
10. The night Bella agreed to marry me.

Hmm. Only nine.

Step Two - "When we forget God, He remembers us."

2008-07-22T20:20:29Z

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

I do not believe that I have a soul.

I have done things, horrible things, in my life that I believe are unforgivable. I have killed humans and yes, Carlisle taught me better than that. For that, I am eternally grateful.

Bella believes that I am wrong.

I once thought that she was dead – misinformed that I was, I had thought she'd killed herself from grief. Rather foolish of me to think that and yes, selfish as well. However, it did not change the fact that with her gone from my world, I wanted no more part in it. I left the country for Italy, determined to seek out ~~the Volturi~~ others who would assist me in my attempt at suicide.

They refused.

As my sister Alice has pointed out on various occasions, I do have a flair for the dramatic. My decision to start a scene that would end in my death in broad daylight was certainly one of the most idiotic things I've chosen to do, and yet it did grant me one thing.

Clarity.

A bright light surrounded me, and Bella, my Bella was there before me. I knew in that instant that I was dead and surely in Heaven, somehow, for how could she have died and gone anywhere else? I had been granted permission to enter Heaven and be with ~~the girl I've obsessed about~~ the woman I love forever.

Only, she wasn't dead, and neither was I.

Bella pointed out to me later that I was wrong, that surely I must believe in a God that grants forgiveness. That I, in fact, have a soul if I believed I was in Heaven.

The subject is debatable, but I'll admit that perhaps – just perhaps – God might grant me entry to His world. Carlisle believes in Him, and Bella believes in me. Perhaps that is enough.

Edward Cullen
The Twilight Saga
310

Step One - Powerless

2008-07-19T21:49:55Z

We admit we are powerless over our addiction — that our lives have become unmanageable.

[Locked to those in the program]

There have been so many occasions when, despite what Bella has felt, I have had no control over the outcome of any event. Yes, I have tried my best to protect her from anything I possibly can since she is so very stubborn, but a man can only do so much. My entire family has welcomed her (save Rosalie, perhaps) yet my beautiful love still cannot quite grasp the idea that she can trust me.

I won't let anything bad ever happen to her. I will protect her from herself, if need be, and she will never have to worry about anything for as long as she lives.

However, if I am to admit anything in this program, if it is to succeed as my father wishes, then I suppose I do need to talk about how much I did hurt Bella when we first met. You see, it was in Biology, and as she walked through the door to sit next to me – the chair next to mine was the only vacant one – I could not control my anger. My carefully constructed facade of civilized behavior vanished, and the only way for me to ~~keep from killing every person in the room before killing Bella~~ remain calm was to ball up my fists. To keep my eyes from hers, to stop breathing, and then to think of everything that my family had taught me.

I left Forks immediately, hopeful that I would be able to continue my existence without her in it, and I was wrong. Escape was not the answer; surrender was. Ironic, I suppose. Now she is my life, my being, and I have vowed that once she is gone from my world, then I will find some way to end my own life for it would be meaningless without her in it.

This girl, who I had not noticed at first until that one moment in class, has changed my life and now holds my heart in her hands completely. I admit that, freely.

Does that suffice as my first step?

Edward Cullen
The Twilight Saga
351

aamuses Introduction

2008-07-14T20:54:10Z

[Locked to those in the program]

My name is Edward Cullen, and I am addicted to spending time with Bella Swan.

It's not much of an addiction, I'll grant you, but my father, Dr. Carlisle Cullen, told me that it might be for the best if I joined this group nonetheless. Therefore, I am here at his bidding, and you may all listen about me prattling on about how lovely I think my ~~soulmate~~ girlfriend is, if you wish.

I live in Forks, Washington with my family, as well as Bella. There might have been a few occasions where I was slightly overprotective of her or thoughtless to her feelings, but I am only a teenage boy. We are known to do things like that. Thankfully, she has forgiven me and we will be going to college soon.

As you can see, this isn't truly an addiction. Oh, there have been times when I've been quite selfish, I'll admit, but I'm doing this mainly for my father.

OOC: Don't believe everything he says. First off, Edward is a vampire who is over 90 years old, and he is very much addicted to the scent of Bella's blood. However he does love her, so he is constantly trying to control himself around her so that he won't kill her. He probably won't be as open as he should be starting off in the program. Also, the mun has only read the first three books and the "Midnight Sun" transcript, but as soon as she catches up on Books 4 (once it comes out!), spoilers will be marked.

Ten mistakes you never want to make again.

2008-07-10T21:52:25Z

1. Leaving Bella alone for any given amount of time.
2. Lying to Bella because I thought I could be selfless enough for the both of us.
3. Attempting to kill myself.
4. Getting Bella involved with the Volturi.
5. Trying to 'track', since I'm apparently abysmal at it anyway.
6. Allowing the dogs in Forks anywhere near Bella.
7. Believing Rosalie before speaking to Alice first.
8. Leaving Carlisle and my family.
9. Letting the monster within me try to take over and ruin the life that Carlisle has made for us.
10. Trying to negotiate with Bella regarding her humanity.